Oh, the Humanity! The Injustice!

If I, Tangent Boy, am nothing else, I am a man of my word... I think. Yesterday's post closed with me mentioning that today I might talk about pizza. Well, the events of a just-completed lunch have made that self-suggested topic very easy to fufill.

Let's get something straight. I love pizza. I have, on more than one occassion gone 7 days in a row with having one form of pizza or another (frozen, homemade, delivery, counter slices, leftovers, etc.) each day. I know that loving pizza is not an uncommon thing, In fact, I have surrounded myself with friends who love pizza almost as much as I.

On Thurdays, a small group of us meet at Anthony's Pizza & Pasta in the Denver Tech Center area. Anthony's is a small chain here in the Denver area that, for a few of us, is the benchmark for great New York style pizza. I have had true NY style pie in NYNY that didn't live up to a good, large, foldable, greasy slice from Anthony's. Through almost 10-years of switching careers and neighborhoods we have enjoyed this pizza at one location or another. It is home for our pizza-loving stomachs.

Our normal procedure is to walk in, each order a couple of big slices and some cokes, consume said products, BS about the usual stuff, put off going back to work till the last minute, and then part ways. For the past two weeks though, we have witnessed horrible cruelty that has prevented us from truly relaxing and enjoying our meal. Instead we wind up leaving emotionally scarred, confused, insecure, and tense. I actually hope someone out there in the blogosphere can offer us some advice.

So, here's the lowdown...

On our last two visits to Anthony's we have been in mid-munching. The slices are good and greasy, folded up, and tasting great. One of us then notices something a little off at another table. At first it just looks like any empty, messy table yet to be cleaned for the next patron. Then you notice the problem. THERE IS STILL PIZZA LEFT OVER!! I am not talking about a slice or two from a small pie. I am talking about an extra large, 18", 8-slice, half-table covering pizza pie that has only 3 slices missing. 5 SLICES LEFT!! Each one of these slices can make up 2-3 "normal-sized" slices. This is a boatload of pizza. And the people that were sitting there are GONE.

At this point we start looking at each other like someone is playing a joke. Then we say "Oh, they must be in the bathroom," and watch to the restroom doors for the next 5 minutes to see the "owner" of the pizza to emerge and resume their meal. This of course doesn't happen, and the debate begins between the 3 pizza dorks.

#1: "Should we?"

#2: "I dare you."

#3: "Dude, don't do it. You could never show your face around here if you do."

#1: "What?! It's not like taking it out of the trash."

#3: "It's the principle of it."

#1: "What principle?! THEY left a whole FREAKING pizza! You never leave a slice behind! All they had to do was ask for a box."

#1: "Why order a whole pie if that is all you can eat?"

#2: "Is there a camera watching us?"

#3: "You gonna grab it?"

#2: "No, but someone might think it's hilarious that we are stressing about some pizza."

#1: "Ok, what if, when the guy comes to clean the table, we offer to give him 2 bucks to take it back and bring it back boxed up."

#3: "You mean pay someone so I can embarrass myself? NO."

#2: "Well, do you want that pizza?"

#1: "Yes."

#3: "Yes."

#2: "I thought so. Me too."

#1: "How bout this? We kinda know the owner. I mean, he knows we are in here every week. He knows we love the pizza. What if we ask him 'hypothetically' how he feels about someone taking someone else's leftovers? We can say it with a smile and make it sound like we are kind of goofing off."

#3: "Ok, what if he's against it?"

#1: "No harm. We were just joking around."

#3: "What if he laughs and says 'no problem'?"

#2: "Ask him for a box."

#1: "Oh my god! Look at it! How can we just let it sit there?"

#2: "I know. I know."

#3: "You know what? I am geting too old to be scared of something like this. I'm gonna grab it."

#1: "Really?! Go."

#2: "Yeah. Go. Go now."

#3: "Hold on."

#1: "Go man. Go."

#3: "Hold ON!"

#1: "Oh forget it. I'm gonna be late for a meeting."

#2: "We are such losers..."

-- Then we exit to the parking lot --

#2: "Ok, I got it. From now on we bring mini disguises. Hat, dark glasses, etc. When it happens again, one of us goes to the bathroom, puts on the disguise, comes back to the leftover pizza, sits down by it for a minute and then takes it up to be boxed."

#1: "Perfect. You go first next week."

So, here is how you help us out. What would you do? These aren't half-eaten slices. This is food that has not yet been touched by human hands since emerging from the kitchen. And remember, we love it so very much. Also, just so you have the right picture in your head, all of us are fairly trim guys(all under 190). We aren't going to stuff our faces right there. Anthony's heats up as a great snack or lunch the next day.

Please hurry. Next Thursday's lunch is just 166 hours away.

G